Last night, in a dark moment of self-pity, I headed out to the deli to purchase a pint of ice cream, which I planned to consume directly from the carton in its entirety and in one sitting, if possible. What happened instead is almost to wretched to bear. I purchased, accidentally of course, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s so-called “Carb Karma” Vanilla Swiss Almond.

More like Vanilla Swiss NO EFFING WAY.

As an aside, the word “carb” makes me want to vomit all over every faded jean-wearing skinny girl who gathers on the street outside my apartment all weekend long. I swear I will die happy if the word “carb” is banished from the english language tomorrow.

But the ice cream, oh lord was it bad. The “vanilla” resembled in flavor the sort of stuff that comes out of a caulking gun. Caulk, I guess. It was puffed with air and only creamy in the sense that it was not quite a solid, but not liquid either. The almonds were okay, but the “fudge” they were coated in reminded me of one of those sugar-free diabetic candies that some sickly relative evilly passed my way as a youngster. Tasteless brown wax! Fie! I briefly considered pouring some sugar directly on top of the ice cream — this was the sort of lack of flavor that only real cream and calorie-laden sugar could solve. But it was no use. I shoveled a last desperate spoonful into my mouth and tossed the rest. Foul.

It crossed my mind that I could go vegan again — avoiding cheese and eggs and all their animally permutations might well be worth never again having to taste this utter ice cream failure.