I want to tell you all about the new panties that I purchased the other day with the gift certificates that my two friends Esther and Bonnie gave to me for my 25th birthday.

(Let me first say that I have a love/hate relationship with the word “panties.” It sounds like such a terrible word, which is why I love to say it. When other people say it in my presence, I squeal and say “Ew!” The same goes for the words “moist” and “creamy.” If you combine all three words, as my boyfriend and Lina like to do for me, you get “Moist, creamy panties.” An alluring phrase, to be sure.)

Anyway, these new panties are of the lightest, most girly pink. They are lighter than the pink a newborn baby girl would be swaddled in, they are nearly white. They’re boy-cut, very low, with teeny little lacy ruffles around the edges. They are cotton, and the pattern on them reminds me of those thin cotton shirts that girls used to wear in the early 90s — usually they were tank tops, very thin, they had vertical stripes and cute little designs (like flowers) etched into them in a series of tiny little holes. Do you know what I mean? The new undies have this same design, the stripes, with tiny little hearts between each stripe. Lordy lord, does it get any better?

I should have bought seven pairs, because I want to wear them every day.